My Idea For "Dragon's Den"

I don't know if you've heard of this new show. It's called "The Dragon's Den". At first I thought it was some fantasy thing but it wasn't; it's a reality show where 'inventors' go to beg for money from 'investors'. The idea is that the 'inventors' are all idiots who imagine that there is a niche market out there for their endless parade of absolutely useless things, and the 'investors' pick them apart like a pack of buzzards sharing some week-old roadkill. This, apparently, is entertainment in 2008.

Here's the thing though: I've come up with something that they just COULD NOT PICK APART. They would throw their money at me and I would be like, "no way. I don't need it. See this invention is FREE for everybody." Subversive. I invented this a long time ago. Here's the story behind it.

I hate women sometimes.

You know, for some things it's like there's one set of rules for women, and another far stricter set of rules for men. Bathroom etiquette is one such thing. Here's something you may not know about women: they use things called "sanitary towels". They just fit right in their panties and they prevent "feminine odor." I went out and bought a pack just so as I could experiment with them. Imagine, if you will, a white fabric pop-tart with fins like you'd get on your granddaddy's car. This pop-tart can absorb FIFTY TIMES its own weight in moisture. And when it's absorbed, that's it--it doesn't leak back out. It's some kind of miracle material, asbestos or something.

So, do men get to use sanitary towels? Of course not. OF COURSE NOT. A man gets two shakes and if it's not dry by then, it goes back in the pants regardless. Men get "masculine odor" and it's not as good as it sounds. Uncomfortable dampness too. Or maybe it's just me.

( It's funny how "masculine odor" sounds so much better than "feminine odor". Is that misogynistic social programming? I think maybe so. Truth is you'd be hard-pressed to tell the difference in a blind scent test. Except maybe if you were a bear. I hear that bears can tell the difference. )

I've done some research and I've found it takes an average of TEN SHAKES to get it totally dry. Ten, not two. But if you're out at a bar and you start shaking your Jack Johnston like that, you're going to get beaten up, or arrested, or approached in a unwelcome romantic manner.

So maybe, I thought, maybe we need some kind of MALE SANITARY TOWEL. There's only one name that could possibly have.

The Manitary Towel (tm).

So I started wearing Manitary Towels and to be honest, I haven't looked back since. I have two varieties. The first is the Ten Shakes (R) Manitary Towel (tm). This adheres to your dominant leg and to the inside of your pants to form a kind of snug sling for your thing. When you're out peeing in public you can just tuck it away in its sling, secure in the knowledge that all that moisture and masculine odor will be absorbed. Other guys will look at you and think "not even two shakes! He's a hell of a man!" In reality you're getting like ten shakes. If they try to copy you, well, they end up with wet patches. Then you can tell them about the Ten Shakes (R) Manitary Towel (tm).

That's how the ad will go if this thing ever gets off the ground.

The second type is still in the experimental stages but it's a very exciting development. Sometimes you just can't wear your Ten Shakes (R) Manitary Towel (tm). Like if you go to the gym. The gym is a perfect example: you're exerting yourself so there's even more potential for what I call 'afterspill'. For this I have created the Airline Security (R) Manitary Towel (tm). It's basically a loose-fitting condom painted white and packed with the absorbent Manitary Towel material. It has a long elastic band to keep it attached. The idea is, nothing gets past Airline Security. I guess in the ad I will show pilots using it, but I'm not sure yet.

So that's my Dragon's Den idea.