Saint Patrick

I've been thinking about Ireland and Saint Patrick. As you may already know, yesterday was "Saint Patrick's Day". It celebrates the day that Saint Patrick chased the last of the snakes out of Ireland. This was important to the Irish as they were finally safe from snake attacks; it meant they could harvest their potatoes in peace. This gave them more time to go to church, so attendance went up, and the Vactican made "Patrick The Snake Chaser" into "Saint Patrick".

( On that subject: a new bar opened recently in town, "Snake Chasers." My cousin Jay and I thought it was an Irish bar so we went along on the opening night. Boy, were we in for a shock! It was full of men in leather caps and assless chaps. They were all chasing a different kind of snake. We had to pretend we were a couple. We haven't really talked since. )

But I've been thinking. Snakes? In Ireland? It doesn't seem likely. I doubt the Irish climate is suitable for cold blooded creatures. Snakes would freeze or drown. So here's my theory: Patrick lied. He spent a few years goofing off in Ireland and when he went back to the Vatican, they asked him to give an account of his time. So he was like, "yeah, I converted some of the locals."

And they said, "but you were there for twenty years. No miracles?"

He was under pressure. "Oh yeah, loads of miracles. Twenty years? Loads of miracles."

"Name one," they said.

I imagine he paused for a while, looked at his feet, and then said "I chased the snakes out of Ireland. Every last one."

"Fantastic! Can you prove this?"

"Of course." He was in the swing of it now. "If you go to Ireland today, you won't find a single snake."

"That's amazing. Hey listen, we have a bit of a snake problem out in Sicily...millions of the deadly little bastards..."

But he was already gone. BACK TO IRELAND to make sure they got their stories straight. So he said to the Irish, "listen. If anyone asks, I need you to say I chased all the snakes away."

"All the snakes, Paddy?"

"That's right. If you don't say it, they'll send more missionaries."

"Aw no. Alright, okay. If it means no more missionaries, you did a grand job on those snakes."

"Thanks, fellas."